Never Letting Go
by bbucking
Summary: Rachel never was a selfless person, that's why she chose Dauntless. She meets a blonde fraction transfer from Erudite and together they face their toughest battle yet, surviving initiation. AU: The Divergent Series. Faberry Week Day 7: Roommates.


**A/N:** This story is set in the dystopian world created by the book series Divergent. This story makes sense without any knowledge of the book, but if you're looking for some summer reading, I would suggest it. A strange filler for the roommate prompt, but it fits nonetheless.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters just their thoughts and actions.

* * *

I stand in the center of the circle, the five enormous bowls surrounding me, waiting for me to drop my blood into the faction I choose. The sea of blue, black, grey, yellow, and red in the audience waiting on me become a blur as my grip tightens on the knife in my right hand. The aptitude test showed me I belong in Abnegation, the faction I was born in. But I have a choice, the right to choose the faction I want to be in regardless of what any test may say.

I draw the knife with slow and steady pressure against the palm of my left hand, focusing on maintaining a stoic face through the sudden pain. Taking one last look into the audience, I narrow in on my adopted father and uncle amongst the mass of grey. They were so selfless taking me in as their own after my mother died giving birth to me. I could never be like them; I was too curious and too outspoken. I wanted too much. I may not be fearless, but I certainly wasn't selfless either. Stretching my bleeding hand out, I hold it over the lit coal. It is the first brave action I've done in my life: choosing to be Dauntless.

Before I can even start to regret my decision, the Choosing Ceremony comes to an end and I am shuffling along with the rest of the Dauntless and Dauntless initiates out of the room. Once we reach the hallway, the pack of black begins to run cheering and whooping loudly as they race towards the stairs. I can't remember the last time I ran anywhere and although I am grossly out of shape, the breeze forming against my own skin from my speed is exhilarating and freeing. I manage to keep up with the group although I have I sharp pain in my side and am short of breath when we finally arrive at our destination.

The train is chugging towards the platform we are standing on, but judging by its pace, it doesn't seem to be slowing down. Some of the Dauntless members begin jogging as it approaches the platform, and I come to the sick realization that initiation has already begun. I look around to some of the other faction transfers near me and the fear of what we have to do is evident on their faces. Half the Dauntless are already on the train, so I begin to run knowing that if I don't get on now, I've already failed. Failure is unacceptable; failure leaves me factionless.

Sprinting as fast as I can alongside the train until I reach an open door, I throw myself sideways. My small stature puts me at a disadvantage, but I manage to grab a handle on the right side of the doorway, gripping it tightly as I try in vain to swing the lower half of my body into the train. My vision gets obscured with blue as a pair of arms grabs under my shoulders and hauls me safely inside.

My savior moves her grip to my arm and guides me to the opposite side of the car where we sit as I try to catch my breath from the extreme exertion of energy.

"Thank you," I pant out while I slowly regain control of my breathing. I turn to offer the person a smile and find that she is eyeing me, concern evident on her face. I take in her appearance, the light blue dress she has on shows that she is a faction transfer like myself, only she is from Erudite. The hem of the dress stops just at her knees and her legs are bare, which makes me wonder how she possibly managed to board the train without accidently exposing herself.

"Are you alright?" the girl asks and I look up to her face at the sound of her voice. She has blonde hair that has a slight wave in it as it falls a few inches below her shoulders. Like most Erudites, she has glasses perched gracefully on her nose. I've never understood why people who wear glasses are supposed to look smart, but I will not deny that the frames suit her face well.

"Yes, of course," I reply before muttering again, "Thank you." She nods in acknowledgement before giving me a tight-lipped smile and looking out the window. I know I should probably ask if she is okay, she's not hugely muscular by any means and she did practically lift me onto the train, but I'm no longer in Abnegation. I don't have to focus all my energy on others if I don't want to.

"Do you know where we are going?" I ask quietly, hoping none of the other initiates in the car will hear me. I've never been to this part of the city, only traveling from the Abnegation section to school and back, and with the assortment of colors on the train, I'm the only one wearing grey. My companion pulls her view from the window and looks at me.

"To Dauntless headquarters I'd assume," she replies. Her lip twitches slightly upward before she licks her lip and goes back to staring out the window. The girl's posture is stoic and confident, but the rapid tapping of her right foot gives her away. She's just as nervous for whatever's next as I am.

The train begins to slow, but definitely not stop, and my companion nudges me to look out the window. There is very little human contact given outside of your house in Abnegation and the slight pressure of her elbow against my bicep sends a shiver through my body. Ignoring my reaction to her touch, I lean forward to see countless Dauntless jumping off the train onto a rooftop, most landing perfectly on their feet. The task wouldn't seem too frightening if it weren't for the gap between the tracks and the roof's edge.

The fraction transfers in the car begin lining up by the three open doors of our car. One boy from Amity is still sitting, shaking as tears roll down his face. I want to comfort him, but how can I when I'm just as scared as he is; I'm just a much better actor. Now that we're standing, the blonde's twitching has moved to her right hand as her index finger taps rapidly against the side of her thigh. A few of our fellow initiates have already attempted to exit the car and if we don't soon, we will completely miss the rooftop.

I reach out my hand and firmly grasp the blonde's trembling one with my own. Her head jerks to glance down at our hands before she looks at me with wide eyes. I'm not sure if my action is more for her or more for me, but now that I'm holding on, I'm not letting go.

"On three," I state with a barely noticeable waiver that gives away just how worried I am.

"One," she starts as we step into position a few feet from the door opening.

"Two," I add in as she clenches her hand tighter around mine.

"Three," we both say before taking two steps forward and launching ourselves toward the rooftop. I land hard on my shins and tumble forward, loosing the girl's handhold in the process. I quickly regain my footing and search the nearby rooftop to ensure the blonde made it as well. She's only a few feet away, brushing some dirt off her backside, having landed successfully. She catches my eye and shoots me a grin that shows her perfectly white and perfectly straight teeth. As if the girl couldn't get more beautiful.

Everyone who made it onto the rooftop gathers around one of the Dauntless leaders who tells us the entrance to the headquarters is just off the other edge of the roof. All the initiates get shoved to the front of the group, as we are the lucky ones to go first. The building is over seven stories tall and looking down into the black hole we are supposed to jump into, there is nothing to give us comfort that we won't be plunging to our deaths. Logically, I know that the fall must be safe. They can't kill all the initiates or they won't have any new members. But what if this is just a test to see which initiate knows the difference between bravery and stupidity?

The Dauntless leader calls out for one of us to go first. I want to be brave, but I also don't want to be reckless and this task seems to clash both these ideals head on. Fortunately, the initiates get saved by a Candor girl with tan skin who steps up to the ledge. My Erudite companion tenses although I'm not sure why. I'd rather the Candor girl go first than me.

The girl makes no sound as she jumps off the ledge and falls into the hole. There's no cheering in survival nor screaming in pain, so we are left completely unaware of our fate. The blonde beside me lets out a breath as the Dauntless leader calls for the next volunteer. Knowing I will have to jump off eventually, I decide I'd rather do it sooner than later. I take a step forward and I feel the gentle graze of the blonde's hand against my own. I can't turn around or I may lose any semblance of courage I've mustered. I squeeze the hand once before stepping up onto the ledge. Looking down into the hole seven stories below, I can only pray that I fall accurately. I bend my knees slightly before pushing off and letting the feeling of weightlessness take over.

My back hits a net and there are multiple hands grabbing at me to help pull me off the net and onto solid ground. A man pats me solidly on the back before leaning down to whisper in my ear, "What is your name girl?"

I swallow once, noticing the mass amount of black in the dark room as Dauntless members stare at me in anticipation. I'm in a new faction and can be whoever I want to be. My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth as I realize that I already know who I am. A new place, a new home doesn't change me.

"Rachel," I answer confidently. The man grabs my wrist and thrusts it into the air.

"Rachel!" He shouts and the cheers in the room are overpowering, thundering loudly. For the first time in my life, I am the center of attention and it feels absolutely addictive.

The applause calms down as another body falls through the hole and onto the net. Dauntless members rush to help the person as I get pushed to the side where the first initiate is standing. The Candor glares at me, not bothering to hide the disapproval forming on her facial features.

"Don't get used to warm welcome," she says as she drags her eyes down my body. "You won't make it past the first week, Stiff." For Candors who value honesty, it's no surprise that the girl is so blunt with her words, but that doesn't make the sting hurt any less.

The room has gone silent again, so I turn to see who was the next to brave the jump. My heart skips a beat when I see the blonde Erudite, her glasses slightly askew and cheeks flushed from the fall. The man holds her wrist into the air, showing her off like a prize.

"Quinn!" He yells and the room is once again filled with cheers from the Dauntless members. They are just as loud as they were for me, and the feeling of being special evaporates. I won't be truly special to the faction until I become a member.

Quinn makes her way toward the Candor girl and myself as another body lands on the net. The glimpse of black I saw means that the first Dauntless-born initiate has finally jumped. Quinn takes her place beside me as the girl to my right leans forward and smirks at her.

"Quinn," she says slowly, as if tasting the word on her lips.

"Santana," Quinn responds with a nod, only briefly glancing at the Candor girl in greeting.

"Are you so sure?" the girl named Santana asks. I'm rather lost in their interaction, but I have no doubt that these two know each other. My best guess is either from lower-level or middle-level school when it was quite common to have classes with kids in different factions.

"You like yourself too much to change your name," Quinn snaps back, gazing toward the net as the next initiate gets off.

"So what does that say about you?" Santana questions, but any chance of a reply from Quinn gets cut off by a roar from the Dauntless as a new initiate treks toward us.

One by one, all of the initiates both Dauntless-born and transfers fall into the net and enter the compound. By the time the last one makes it in safely, there are nineteen of us: eleven Dauntless-born and eight transfers. The Dauntless-born are free to roam for the rest of the day while one of the leaders gives us transfers a tour of the headquarters. After being instructed to arrive at the training room at eight the next morning, we are shown to our room that has ten beds. Apparently, they thought more transfers would make it safely to the compound.

I've never slept in the same room with someone let alone a room with both boys and girls. As Santana unabashedly strips off her white button down shirt, I dart my gaze to my bed and grab the Dauntless black clothing that's been provided for us. The rustling of material can be heard throughout the room as no one seems to have a problem changing in front of one another. I keep my eyes on the floor as I hastily walk into the bathroom and lock myself in a stall.

I change quickly into the black shirt and pants and roll up my grey outfit deciding to keep at least one thing to remind me of my old faction, my previous family. When I open the stall door, Quinn is standing next to the sink staring in my direction. Seeing me, she swiftly turns on the sink and splashes some water onto her face as if that had been her intention for entering the bathroom. She grabs a towel and dries herself, some of her hair that got wet sticking to the side of her face.

"Hey," she says with a small smile as she puts down the towel.

"Hello again," I reply. She picks her glasses up off the sink and puts them back on, nudging them up as she takes in my new appearance.

"The black suits you," Quinn states gesturing at my attire. I give her a small smile in thanks and move to the sink to wash my hands of the sweat and grime from the day. Quinn doesn't leave the bathroom and as I glance in the mirror, I can see her eyes on me.

"Is there something you need?" I ask. I don't want to sound bitchy, after all Quinn is the first kind of friend I've ever had and she did practically save my life helping onto the train. Quinn averts her eyes to the floor as her pale cheeks begin to emit a soft shade of pink.

"No, well kind of," she answers as she looks up to meet my gaze through the mirror. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I can only imagine that all the boys undressing and Santana stripping in the middle of the room made you rather uncomfortable." Quinn's assumption about my predicament is a testament to her Erudite upbringing. Her interest in my well-being seems genuine, although I can't figure out why she would care.

"Right, well I better get used to it. I don't want to be called Stiff for the rest of my days here." I give off a short hollow laugh in an attempt to lighten the situation.

"There's nothing wrong with being modest," Quinn replies handing me the towel to dry off my hands. "But unfortunately you jumped off the roof before I did, so I never got the chance to hear your real name."

"Rachel," I respond, "my name is Rachel."

"Quinn," she states back as she holds out her right hand. "Now we can be properly introduced." I've never actually shaken someone's hand in greeting, but I've seen it done enough to know the basic logistics. I take her hand in mine, feeling the heat of her palm send tingles up my arm. I shake a solid two times before releasing my hold.

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Quinn," I say with a broad smile at my new friend. Maybe this initiation in a new faction won't be as scary as I thought. Quinn lets out a soft laugh at my statement.

"With statements like that, people will be thinking you're the one from Erudite," she says before grabbing the door that leads back into the room. "Come on, I commandeered the bed next to yours." I smile to myself at her admission and follow her back into the room where thankfully the majority of our fellow transfers are getting comfortable in bed.

* * *

My head hits the pillow and in an instant my body is being shaken awake.

"Rachel," a soft voice whispers near my ear. I peek my eyes open just enough to see blonde hair hovering above my face.

"What time is it?" I mumble. I'm used to waking up early, but after all the stress and energy exerted yesterday, I understand why my body wants to stay in bed.

"Just after six," Quinn answers. "Come on, I want to do something before training but we need to eat first." I can't even begin to imagine what she has planned that needs to be done this early, but I roll out of bed anyway. I follow her down to the cafeteria that is nearly empty and feast on oatmeal and water to wake up my body.

After filling our stomachs, Quinn leads me to a shop that cuts hair. As we wait for the shop to open at 7, Quinn stands rigidly right outside the door. Her left hand is jammed in her pocket as her right hand rests by her side, index finger jabbing away at her thigh. My father trimmed my hair twice a year and it was rather uneventful, so I fail to see how this haircut has bundled Quinn into a ball of nerves. Similar to my action on the train, I grasp her hand in mine and the twitching stops as her posture relaxes.

I can see a movement inside and a minute later, a woman with an orange mohawk is opening the door to let us in. If she's surprised at our early arrival at her shop, she keeps it to herself and has Quinn sit in a revolving chair before getting to work.

We leave the shop with all my hair in tact, but Quinn sports a much shorter style with her blonde locks cut at chin length. As soon as we enter the Pit, she takes my hand as her free hand runs carelessly through her short hair. I've gotten used to her touch to the point where the feel of her skin against mine is no longer awkward or uncomfortable. The warm pressure of her hand makes my pulse speed up in anxiety; I've read enough to know the anxious energy is not stemming from fear, but from excitement.

As we make our way to the training room, I get shoved in the shoulder causing me to stumble slightly into Quinn.

"Watch where you're walking Stiff," Santana calls out over her shoulder as she strides ahead of us. A low noise escapes Quinn's throat that sounds oddly like a growl.

"Just ignore her," the blonde states gripping my hand tighter and pulling me closer to her. "She's just pissed that her girlfriend chose Amity when they were supposed to stay in Candor." Santana turns down the hallway about twenty yards ahead of us and out of hearing range.

"Girlfriend?" I ask. Sure I had read about the diversity of our population in Faction History, but I had never met an actual homosexual in real life.

"Probably ex-girlfriend now," Quinn answers leading us down the same hallway Santana took. "Pretty much impossible to stay together if they become members of different factions." I nod knowing that inter-faction marriage is forbidden, regardless of the fact that there have been no standardized rules on same gender marriages. That action is not illegal, it's just never done. At least not in Abnegation.

"So why didn't Santana go to Amity as well?" I ask figuring Quinn knows the girl better than I do. Quinn lets out an adorable snort at my question.

"Can you see Santana in Amity? That girl is the least peaceful person I've met." Quinn makes a good point there, I can't picture the scowling tan girl picking apples from trees or singing docile love songs. "I'm guessing the only reason she left Candor was because she couldn't stand to stay without Brittany." The name sounds familiar, but I've had classes with so many kids from different factions that I can't put a face to the name.

When we reach the door to the training room, Quinn gives me a quick smile before dropping my hand and pushing the door open. We enter to start our first real day of initiation.

* * *

After a day of learning new techniques on kicking and punching, my body is running on empty by the time we return to our room for the night. We found out that there are three rounds to initiation. The first is physical and only the top sixteen initiates will pass. That means three of us will be factionless by the end of the week. The second round is emotional where we will be ranked alongside the Dauntless-born initiates. The final round is mental where six more initiates will be cut and only the top ten ranked initiates will become members.

I've never been the strongest or fastest kid growing up, so I know the first round of initiation will be the most difficult for me. The transfers have been separated from the Dauntless-born for the first round so I've gotten to know the seven other transfers rather well in the past twelve hours. Besides Quinn, Santana, and myself, there are five boys who share our room. Mike is a quite boy from Erudite who looks skinny, but can seriously pack a punch. Noah and Matt are buddies from Candor who seem to get along well enough with Santana although they constantly throw verbal jabs at one another. There are two boys who managed to make it from Amity, Sam and Joe, neither of them being the one I saw crying on the train. Sam is the most built of the five boys, and Joe hasn't shown much promise other than calloused feet as he refuses to wear shoes.

The eight of us aren't exactly friends by any means, but we do take part in throwing out ideas on what tomorrow will bring. Since there are three hours until our curfew, most of the transfers head down to the Pit to see how Dauntless spend their nights. I'm too tired to join and instead grab some clean clothes and head into the bathroom for a shower.

I'm lathering the shampoo out of my hair when I begin to subconsciously start humming. It's one of the few songs Abnegations are taught and knowing I have the bathroom to myself I let the words fall from my mouth. I was never allowed to sing in my old faction though sometimes when my father and uncle would go into town for a faction meeting I would turn the shower on and sing quietly as to not disturb our neighbors. I continue to belt out the verses as I rinse the soap off my body.

When I finish the song, I turn the water off and hum the melody again as I rub the towel against my body, trying to dry my wet skin. I wrap the towel around myself and pull back the curtain to grab my clothes, only to find I'm not alone in the bathroom. Quinn stares at me, her glasses missing from her face and her jaw slack.

"Quinn!" I screech startled by her presence. She blinks once before snapping her head down and turning around.

"S-sorry," I hear her mumble as she grabs for the door and exits the bathroom. I hastily throw on my clean clothes, some parts sticking to the skin that didn't fully dry. Quinn is sitting on her bed, facing towards mine, with her head down. Her hands are fiddling with something in her lap and when I get closer, I see it's her glasses. The frame has been cracked in half and one of the lenses is completely shattered.

I take a seat on my bed across from her, and she looks up as I sit down.

"I didn't mean to startle you. I came back because uh–" she holds up her broken glasses as an explanation. "Then I heard you singing in the bathroom. I'm so sorry that I completely invaded your privacy, it's just," Quinn gazes at me with an awed smile playing on her lips, "you have a beautiful voice."

It's my turn to be embarrassed as I direct my gaze to my lap. I can't remember the last time anyone has said that anything about me was beautiful.

"Thank you," I murmur softly, keeping my eyes on my hands resting on my lap.

"I've never heard that song before," Quinn states. "May I ask what you were signing?" I look up to find her eyes on me in genuine curiosity.

"It's the Abnegation Manifesto. We all learn it at a young age." Quinn's eyebrows scrunch together before she leans down to untie her boots. Once she slips them off, she brings her legs up and folds them underneath her body on the bed.

"Well that is certainly a better technique than having to recite the Erudite Manifesto. Only the Candor's comes close in lengthy prose." No doubt the Erudites are taught each faction's manifesto, although apparently Quinn has never heard the Abnegation's in its true form, which is to be sung like a hymn.

"I suppose," I reply before pointing to her hands. "What happened to your glasses?"

"Just some Dauntless-born ass Sebastian," she replies trying to fit the two sides together. "Said I wasn't an Erudite any more so I should stop acting like one."

She holds the one decent side of the frame up to her face so she is looking at me through the lens in front of her left eye.

"Of course, he failed to realized that unlike many Erudites, my glasses actually have a prescription in them because my eyesight isn't all that great," she says with a frown on her face, taking the half frame off and placing the broken parts on the bedside table that we share.

"Can you even see me?" I ask aghast that she actually has poor vision. I was under the assumption that Erudites had a remedy to permanently fix that sort of physical ailment.

"Yes Rachel, I'm not blind," Quinn bites back clearly un-amused. "My dad wouldn't let me get the procedure. Didn't want my poor vision to tarnish the family name." She lets out a haughty laugh before continuing, "Eyes are the portal to the soul, Quinn. Perfect people have perfect vision," she says in a low voice imitating her father. She shakes her head and goes on, "Of course it couldn't be known that I didn't have perfect vision, so his secretary would purchase the glasses I needed. The prescription was usually close enough to work."

I'm shocked that Quinn's dad wouldn't allow her to get her vision fixed, all for the sake of their image. Then again I'm rather perplexed that nearly all Erudites wear glasses if they have the resources available to have perfect vision.

"Are you going to get a new pair then?" I wonder aloud. Quinn sighs and scoots to the head of her bed, resting her back against the wall.

"Not anytime soon," she answers. "I spoke with the nurse in the hospital room, and she's going to order me some contacts from the Erudites. They're not as common, but a lot of Dauntless who can't afford the procedure prefer them to glasses since they're easier to fight with." I nod though I've never heard of the product. I just hope the contacts come soon so Quinn isn't at a disadvantage during our next few days of training. I take off my boots and move up to the head of my bed, mirroring Quinn's position.

"So what do you think we'll be doing tomorrow?" I ask.

"Don't know," she replies. "But it will probably be difficult and dangerous."

"And maybe fun?" Quinn lolls her head carelessly towards me.

"And most definitely fun," she answers although I can't tell if she's being serious or sarcastic. I crawl underneath my sheets thinking that today wasn't exactly fun, but punching and kicking bags as hard as I could certainly felt freeing. That sort of feeling I am definitely looking forward to.

* * *

Throughout the week we learn to shoot multiple types of guns, throw knives, master hand-to-hand combat, and even participate in a paintball war with the Dauntless-born initiates and some Dauntless members. But the only thing that really matters are our individual combat fights with one another to determine our first round rankings amongst our separate groups. If I rank 7th or 8th in our group, it is highly likely that I will be cut seeing as the Dauntless-born initiates have the upper hand on physical combat. We each have to fight four opponents picked by our trainer.

My first fight is unfortunately against Noah. Although I get up countless times after being punched in the stomach or kicked in the thigh, after a particularly hard hit to my jaw, I lose consciousness and wake up in the hospital several hours later. My second fight is as bad as my first as Sam knocks me to the ground so fast, I have to concede the match within the first five minutes.

My third fight is respectable as I trade blow for blow with Joe. I've learned to use my lithe body to my advantage and dodge my opponents' attacks as they wear themselves out on the offensive. We go at it for nearly ten minutes before he finally lands a solid hit on me. By the fifteenth minute, I have him in a choke hold and he concedes the match giving me my first victory.

My final fight is against Santana and although she is my smallest opponent yet, she is by far the one I'm dreading the most. She previously beat Mike and Quinn, and just barely lost to Sam in a fight that lasted nearly thirty minutes. She's quick and small like me, which takes away my only advantage. Santana uses the majority of our fight taunting me as I dance around the circle continually dodging her advances. We both land a few kicks until she catches me off-guard and swipes my legs out from under me. After that, it's an all out wrestling match as we pull hair and crawl at each other. Santana ends up pinning me with her forearm cutting off circulating to my airway until I concede the match panting for air.

Quinn fares slightly better than myself as she beat Matt and Joe, but lost to Noah and Santana. The night before the first round of cuts are made, the majority of the transfers head down to the Pit, but Quinn and I decide to spend the evening in the solitude of our room. She lays on my bed, looking more comfortable than she ever does on her own. Her head rests on my pillow while her legs lay across me as I sit sideways on the bed.

"I just wish they would tell us how we are being ranked," Quinn states her thoughts aloud.

"I hope it's not purely based on the number of wins," I reply knowing I'll be near last if that's the case.

"You did better than Joe that's for sure," she says and I nod in agreement. "Plus who knows, maybe some of the Dauntless-born suck at fighting." Quinn is trying to stay positive, but her voice waivers enough to tell me that even she doesn't believe that statement. The Dauntless-born were raised being brave and dangerous. They were probably taught the basics to fighting before they even entered lower-level school.

"Well there's certainly nothing I can do to change my ranking now," I say picking up her feet so I can sit up at the head of my bed. "So there's really no sense worrying about it anymore." Quinn turns onto her side stuffing her right arm under her head so she can get a better view of me. I try to believe in the words I just said, but worrying seems to be the only thing I can do anymore. I'm plagued with thoughts of what will happen when I get cut and become factionless. When I have to leave Dauntless, and worse leave Quinn, my first and only true friend.

As if sensing my stress, Quinn reaches her left hand forward and laces her fingers in a semi-awkward embrace with my left hand that lies in between us.

"You're absolutely right, there's no sense worrying because you're not getting cut," she states confidently squeezing my hand. "Not now, not ever." Quinn brings our joined hands up to her face, twisting her own so that she is cupping mine with her thumb gently grazing my skin. She then lowers her lips and places a gentle kiss on the back of my hand so soft that I may have missed it had I not been watching.

Quinn lifts her eyes up to meet mine and I wonder if she can hear how loud my heart is pounding, surely it is slamming against my ribcage. I'm frozen in place from her action because it felt so…intimate. And yet I had seen my father do the same thing to my uncle countless times while they were in the kitchen making dinner thinking I wasn't paying attention. I had always thought the act was strictly platonic, something brothers or friends would do. But that certainly felt more than platonic to me.

"Oh my God," I whisper out and Quinn's eyes widen as she immediate drops my hand. Panic is evident on her face, and I know she's misunderstanding my comment due to the poor timing of my epiphany.

"I'm such an idiot," I mumble to myself, but it's loud enough for Quinn to hear. She scrambles to sit up and tries to get off my bed, but I grab her arm before she can make her escape.

"No, sorry, it's not you," I state as she eyes the grip I have on her hesitantly. We're both sitting with our backs against the wall now as she patiently waits for me to explain myself.

"I totally know homosexuals," I say slowly as I try to recall the interactions between my father and uncle. Abnegation are always so modest with their affections; it's understandable that I never made the connection. But now that I know what it feels like, even such a simple act of being kissed on the hand, I have no doubt that the action when done in a certain way is extremely intimate.

"My father and uncle. They are in love." Quinn opens her mouth to cut in, but I continue before she gets a chance, "I'm so stupid. They look nothing alike with completely different skin tones; of course he's not my uncle by blood."

"Not to be rude, but doesn't that bother your mother?" Quinn asks oblivious to how I was raised because I never told her.

"She died giving birth to me, so I was raised by my father and my – um Leroy." Quinn forces my hand to slide down her arm until our fingers are interlaced again. She gives my hand a squeeze as a comforting gesture.

"So you were raised by two guys who were in love and you never knew," she states and I hum in confirmation. "What made you realize this now?" Quinn asks as she picks at a string that's unraveling from my sheet.

I bite my lip, unsure how to answer her question. I want to be honest with her, but I don't know if she intended her action to be as intimate as it felt to me. There's nothing worse than the feeling of rejection and I know it all too well. However, judging by what Quinn's told me of her parents, she's no stranger to rejection either.

"I think I'm finally starting to see things from their perspective," I answer in a way that is honest without giving too much away.

Quinn turns her neck to look at me and her eyes squint as she tries to understand my words. I've gotten used to her without glasses and although I did like them on her, having contacts in makes it a lot easier for what I'm about to do. If I want to be Dauntless, I have to be brave and with that in mind I lean to my left and place a quick, barely there kiss on her cheek. Her skin is so soft that I regret not letting my lips linger, but I don't want to invade her personal space for too long. When I settle back on my side of the bed, Quinn is looking but not really seeing me, with a goofy half grin on her face.

I maneuver myself under the covers and Quinn joins me as our hands stay firmly locked together between us. That night, I get the best sleep I've had since arriving at Dauntless headquarters.

* * *

The rankings are posted in the training room when we arrive the next morning. Although we know where we stand among the faction transfers, we don't know how we rank overall. Throughout the day, the Dauntless leaders will find the three initiates that got cut and escort them out of headquarters, sentencing them to a fate worse than death; being factionless.

The chalkboard that once held our wins and losses from the fights during the week now shows eight names in rank order.

_1. Sam  
2. Santana  
3. Noah  
4. Mike  
5. Quinn  
6. Rachel  
7. Matt  
8. Joe_

I want to be relieved that Quinn made it to the next round, but there was a reason I couldn't stay in Abnegation. I'm just not that selfless. My happiness for Quinn can't outshine the dark cloud that follows me around all day as I wait for a Dauntless leader to send me away. Quinn tries her best to distract me, even taking me to the tattoo parlor where she gets the Dauntless seal of fire enclosed in a circle inked onto her right shoulder. I've got too much nervous energy to even contemplate sitting still for a tattoo. Eventually Quinn gives up on trying to entertain me, and we head back to the room to wait the rest of the day out.

By the time curfew rolls around, I've accidently fallen asleep with my head on Quinn's lap and she has to shake me awake. There are two empty beds where Matt and Joe once slept, but I'm still here. No Dauntless leader came to throw me out. I'm too exhausted from worrying all day to celebrate my fortunate that the third cut must have been a Dauntless-born. We sleep in Quinn's bed that night, lying side by side again with our arms touching and fingers tangled together; ready to start round two.

* * *

Round two mixes the fraction transfers with the Dauntless-born initiates, but the majority of the training is done individually. Each day we go under simulations to test our ability to conquer fear. We must either destroy our fear by finding some way to overcome it or we must control our fear by becoming calm and lowering our heart rate.

I thought round one would be the hardest, but round two of initiation is so emotionally exhausting that I often times find myself crying in the shower. I try not to show it in front of Quinn, but the restless nights of sleep we've both been getting lets me know she's having just as much trouble as I am.

My first simulation has me surrounded by spiders until they are crawling all over me, covering my skin, and eventually suffocating me. My second one, I'm in a maze that I can't get out of until I realize it is just a large circle with no exit. My following simulations contain a soundless room where I can't talk, a room full of people where no one can see or hear me but they all spew hateful words about me, and a sea with an island that gets farther away the longer I swim toward it. Our trainer tells us that our real fears aren't necessarily what appear in our simulations. This obviously makes sense, but it doesn't make the simulation feel any less real or any less frightening.

My latest simulation is the worst one yet. The room is empty expect for Quinn and I. A masked man appears shoving a gun in my hand telling me to shoot Quinn or he will blow up the entire Dauntless headquarters. _Faction before blood_ I think, knowing I will have to kill Quinn to be a true member of Dauntless, or else they will view me as a traitor. I try to steady the gun in my hand, but tears are streaming down her face and I know I can't pull the trigger.

"Do it or I will kill you," the masked man says putting his gun against my temple.

Quinn takes a step forward and calmly says, "Shoot me instead." I want to yell at her to stay back, to not be stupid, to let me die, but the bullet from the man's gun has already been fired and her body slumps to the ground as blood begins to stain the floor in red.

I scream out in agony, rushing to her body as tears blur my vision. I check her neck for a pulse, but it's already gone. She's dead and I could do nothing to save her.

I'm thrust back into reality and my body is shaking uncontrollably. Our trainer looks at me with sympathetic eyes having seen everything that happened in my simulation. That simulation was completely clear, and I now know what my greatest fear is.

That night I allow myself to cry in front of Quinn. She holds me and reminds me over and over that it wasn't real. She's still alive; her heart is still pounding and pulse is still beating. It's well past the middle of the night before I calm down enough to enjoy the feel of her arms around me.

"You'll be okay," she whispers before pressing her lips against my forehead.

"You're strong enough," she says before pecking me on the tip of my nose.

"You'll get through this," she murmurs before brushing her lips on my left cheek.

"It's almost over," she sighs out before softly kissing my right cheek.

I fall asleep in her embrace with her words repeating in my head.

Three nights later when Quinn breaks down I repeat her words and actions. It feels just as good giving comfort as it does receiving. Although I'm slightly smaller than Quinn and it pains me to see her upset, I thoroughly enjoy having her curl up in front of me as I wrap my arm around her in protection against the fears that plague her mind.

Two days before the third round is Visiting Day. Both Dauntless-born and fraction transfer initiates are allowed to see their families. Typically families of the fraction transfers don't visit as they are ashamed their child chose to abandon his or her family. I sincerely hope my father and Leroy will visit, but I'm uncertain how they felt about me choosing Dauntless. Quinn seems quite certain her family won't show, and I want her to enjoy some semblance of familial love on the day.

As expected, when the initiates are guided down to the Pit to visit their families, there is no Erudite blue. Apparently both Mike's and Quinn's family were unable to accept their children's loyalty to a different faction. I scan the sea of black, with a speck of red and yellow where Sam is hugging his parents as his two siblings hang onto his leg, in search for the Abnegation grey. Quinn is by my side and she nudges me, pointing to my left. About thirty yards away, I see two men looking lost in our underground compound. I smile brightly knowing they must not completely hate me if they showed up for Visiting Day. Grabbing Quinn's hand, I hurry throw the crowd toward the men who raised me.

"Father!" I exclaim almost tackling him in a hug before I remember the proper greeting of Abnegation. I stand in front of him and bow my head in respect. He doesn't bow back, but instead steps forward and throws his arms around me as I relax into his embrace. When he lets go, I look over to the man who I once knew as my uncle, unsure of how to address him.

"Um, Leroy," I state bowing at him as well. His eyebrows knot together in confusion.

"Um Leroy?" he asks pulling me into a one armed hug. "What am I no longer cool enough to be your Uncle L?" I pull gently out of his embrace unsure of how to tell the two men that I know the truth about their relationship with one another. Then again unless I become a Dauntless member and get a job in faction affairs, I most likely won't be interacting with them more that once a year at the Choosing Ceremony. Perhaps I should just let this one go.

Quinn shuffles awkwardly beside me, and I feel awful that I've completely forgotten my manners.

"Father, Uncle L, this is my friend Quinn," I state gesturing towards her. I'm not sure what exactly we are, after all I'm pretty sure people who are just friends don't cuddle in the same bed every night, but we are first and foremost friends. Quinn bows her head in respect to both of them.

"It's a pleasure to meet you both. Rachel speaks very highly of you," she says in a sweet voice that I'm sure would charm any parent. My father smiles widely in delight, probably pleased that I've made such a well-spoken friend amongst the many danger junkies that roam the Dauntless compound. Out of habit, I reach for Quinn's hand tangling our fingers together to show I'm pleased with her words as well. The action is not lost on my father or Leroy.

"Well, we are certainly glad Rachel is making friends here," my father says as he reaches down to take Leroy's hand in his own. He keeps his eyes on me and I nod once, telling him that I understand now what I could never comprehend when I was younger. The men release their handhold, that amount of public affection is hardly ever seen by Abnegation's outside of their own home let alone in a different faction. But I'm a Dauntless now, so I keep Quinn's hand firmly in my grip.

Quinn and I show my father and Leroy around the Dauntless headquarters. We give them an overview of initiation, although we leave out all the embarrassing and cringe-worthy parts. By the end of the day, I'm sad to see them go, but also somewhat relieved. That chapter of my life is over, and if I can somehow get ranked in the top ten, I can start a new chapter here in Dauntless. I can only hope that Quinn will still be at my side.

* * *

The day of round three, our fear landscape test, has me in an anxious pile of nerves. I can hardly stomach anything for breakfast, and Quinn sits next to me pushing food across her plate as her right foot is tapping so rapidly against the ground I swear it's going to leave an indent. I lay a hand on her thigh and the movement stops as she sends me an apologetic smile. We both leave the table with our plates still mostly full.

The fear landscape is a simulation of every fear you have. The quicker we get through the simulation, the higher our score will be. I can only hope I have less fears to face than my fellow initiates. Our scores from round one fighting, round two simulations, and the fear landscape will be weighted and calculated into our final ranking. With sixteen initiates still left, six will be cut today and exiled to the factionless.

Yesterday they posted our rankings in the training room for the conclusion of round two.

_1. Sebastian  
2. Sam  
3. Santana  
4. Hunter  
5. Mike  
6. Jesse  
7. Kitty  
8. Noah  
9. Brody  
10. Quinn  
11. Jake  
12. Rachel  
13. Cassie  
14. Trent  
15. David  
16. Sugar_

Quinn is right on the line, but I am two spots out of the top ten. Not only do I need to beat out two of the other initiates, but I have to hope one of them isn't Quinn. Regardless of our rankings, the fear landscape's test score is weighted the most out of the three rounds, so I need to perform my best today to become a Dauntless member.

We go in rank order starting with the lowest ranking first. We can't see what the other initiates are seeing in their simulations, which makes watching each other rather pointless. Without a clock in the room, it is impossible to know exactly how long each initiate takes, but we can tell those who are much faster than others.

When my name gets called, Quinn gives my hand a gentle squeeze in assurance. I wish I could have as much confidence in myself as she has in me. I walk through the door and into the fear landscape, getting injected by the simulation serum before the room goes white.

The fears I face are all identical to the ones I've seen in my previous simulations. Only this time I'm aware, so I know that I'm in a simulation and not reality. This allows for easier manipulation of the simulation and the power to more easily overcome my obstacles.

After successfully passing five fears I've already seen, I come across a new obstacle. I'm in a small room and the sidewalls are moving closer toward me. I look up to see the ceiling shrinking down as well. There is no way out of the room, and I will soon be crushed to death. So this fear is being enclosed or trapped. Since coming to Dauntless, I thought that feeling had left, but apparently the thought still lingers. I don't think I can escape this obstacle, but I can control my fear enough to slow my heartbeat and pass. As the walls move in tighter, I think of Quinn and how safe I feel in her tight embrace. I breathe slowly in and out repeating her words: _you'll be okay, you're strong enough, you'll get through this, it's almost over_. At the last thought a green light signals that I've controlled my heartbeat and defeated that fear.

The walls fall away and I see Quinn facing me. She lifts her hand up to wave before dropping it suddenly as the masked man appears. He shoves a gun in my hand before telling me again that I must kill Quinn or he will blow up the Dauntless headquarters. I know I can't shoot Quinn. I couldn't in my simulation and I can't do it now in my fear landscape.

"Do it or I will kill you," the man says while pressing his gun against my temple. I won't shoot Quinn, but I can't let her die because of me either. There is only one way to pass this obstacle. _It's just a simulation_, I remind myself as I turn my gun towards me.

Quinn takes a step forward, "Shoot me –" I pull the trigger before she gets out the last word.

* * *

Apparently I have some Abnegation left in me after all, although I think it was partially selfish that I killed myself in the simulation instead of having to watch Quinn die. Either way, I'm glad when I'm firmly back in reality and being ushered to the Pit to wait for the rest of the initiates to finish their fear landscapes. I don't have to wait too long before Quinn joins me with the same dead look in her eyes that she gets after coming out of a simulation. I never ask her what she sees and she never asks me, but I think one day we might get there.

It's over two hours later when Sebastian strides into the Pit with a smug smirk. I've never talked to him, but I want nothing more than to wipe that smirk off his face for ruining the glasses I loved seeing Quinn wear. Quinn seems rather indifferent to his presence, so I'm guessing she doesn't hold a grudge like I do.

After Sebastian arrives, the Dauntless leaders come down and make a short speech about this years initiate class. The top ranked initiates get first choice on what job they want while the lower ranked ones are likely to get stuck guarding the gate that surrounds the city. The leaders remind us that only the top ten will become members and the bottom six will be escorted from the premises immediately. The rankings are then projected out to into the middle of the Pit for every Dauntless to see.

_1. Santana  
2. Sam  
3. Jesse  
4. Sebastian  
5. Mike  
6. Hunter  
7. Kitty  
8. Quinn_

My heart skips a beat as I read Quinn's name. I grab her arm squeezing briefly as I read on.

_9. Noah  
10. Rachel_

A pair of arms encircles me as I get swung around in a full circle. Quinn sets me down laughing with her face buried in my hair as we embrace. The Pit is enveloped in deafening cheers for the new members. Through the roar of the room, I can distinctly hear Quinn utter in my ear, "We made it." Not that she made it, or that I made it. We made it. Together.

That night the previous faction transfers pack up our belongings and move into our new rooms. Quinn and I request and get granted a room together. They don't need to know that we immediately push our beds together.

With initiation finally over, we can start thinking about our future.

"What position do you want to have?" Quinn asks as she strokes my hair. I'm lying down on the bed with my head resting in her lap.

"I doubt I'll have much of a choice being ranked last," I reply truthfully. I'm not super excited about the potential jobs I will have to choose from, but if I can come home every night and lay like this, letting myself just be with Quinn, then I will be more than content.

"You know not all teachers at the schools are Erudite," Quinn says and I'm not sure where she's going with the statement. "Sometimes Amity teach the fine art classes for drawing, musical instruments, even singing." I let out a sigh, her intent much clearer now.

"I doubt they'll let a Dauntless teach singing at any level of school," I respond rolling my head to look up at her. She glances down meeting my gaze.

"They've never met a Dauntless that can sing like you," she replies bringing my hand up to kiss it. I don't refute her statement, but would rather not worry about my job prospects just yet.

"What about you? I'm sure you'll get some good pickings number eight," I say poking her in the stomach. She swats my hand away before returning her fingers to play with my hair.

"I was thinking about being a trainer. Maybe taking the fraction transfers under my wing, showing them the ropes," Quinn answers somewhat wistfully. I'm uncertain if that's a year round job, but I can picture her being an excellent mentor to new initiates.

"You'd be a great trainer," I tell her, pulling one of her hands from my hair so I can intertwine our fingers.

"And you'd be an excellent teacher," Quinn states tapping my forehead with the hand that's still nestled in my hair. I'm not sure if that's true, but Quinn has always seen strength in me that even I couldn't see. I let go of her hand using my arms to push myself into a sitting position. My action puts my face a few inches from Quinn's.

It doesn't take bravery this time as I reach my right hand forward to cup her cheek before sliding it behind her neck. It only takes love for me to close the gap between us and share my first kiss with Quinn. My eyes instinctually shut as I hold my lips against hers, reveling in their softness. I pull back and open my eyes to see Quinn with her eyes still closed as she slowly licks her lips. Her eyelids leisurely pull up and a languid smile forms of her face. I lay back down, resuming the position on her lap as she places one hand in my hair and the other intertwined with a hand of my own. It's almost as if nothing has changed, which really it hasn't, but it feels different. It feels like we've flipped the page and are finally starting a new chapter.

The next morning before we report to choose our jobs, I wake Quinn up early. She's not as easily roused now that initiation is over, but I manage to get her out of bed with the promise of a kiss. She leans in eager to accept her reward for waking up, but I turn around before she can reach me. Quinn frowns saying I'll pay for that later and I fully intend to.

I lead her down to the tattoo shop where Quinn brought me the day that first cuts were made. This time I'm the one sitting in the chair as I get the same Dauntless seal tattooed into my right shoulder. Since I'm already there, I decide to get the other tattoo I was planning as well. It the Abnegation seal only I make it smaller than the Dauntless one and put it just over my left breast, near my heart cavity.

The seal is a circle with two hands grasping onto each other. Often times I envision one hand as mine and one as Quinn's; always holding on to one another, never letting go.


End file.
